By Their Stars
by Angst Is My Middle Name
Summary: People largely avoided organized religion in this day and age, often declaring it was for the weak-minded and gullible. No one seemed to want anyone else to know they came to her spiritual guidance when there was a very scientifically-trained psychologist on board." Part 5 in 'The Chaplain's Log'. Freddey has a chat with LT Sulu.


_**Here's part five, for those of you who are interested. I do love me some concrit though, if anyone wants to leave me some...**_

* * *

The Enterprise's slow limp back to Earth may have been just the thing the crew needed after all that happened on their mission, and Freddey found herself quite popular in those few weeks. She barely had time to eat or sleep. She spent most of her days tending to wounded souls and weeping crewmembers and hearing awful stories of what happened during the battle. One of these meetings (she refused to call them appointments) was with LT Sulu.

Freddey vaguely recalled him from the Academy, perhaps from a newsletter article or just from being on campus. He stood sheepishly in her office for a time, like most do, just wringing his hands and avoiding her face. People largely avoided organized religion in this day and age, often declaring it was for the weak-minded and gullible. No one seemed to want anyone else to know they came to her spiritual guidance when there was a very scientifically-trained psychologist on board. Freddey generally tried to avoid thinking about what the others thought of her.

"Sulu, it's nice to see you," she chirped happily, "What can I do for you today?"

She always liked to be pleasant with her friends (for they were friends not patients) to try and put them at ease. They'd already made a difficult decision in coming to see her, in choosing to spill their souls to a stranger.

"Can I get you anything?" she asked, "Would you like a drink or anything to eat?"

He mumbled, "No thank you," and made no move to either sit or leave. Freddey couldn't discern his expression, at once conflicted and sad and angry… and pitying? She offered him a kind smile, saying, "Won't you sit down, Sulu? Might make you feel better, or at least begin to."

Sulu hesitated, but he followed her request and took up the chair opposite her. Freddey did not press him. She never pressed. Pressing people made them clam up, and she hated when people clammed up.

"I… I don't know where to start," he muttered, embarrassed.

"Start wherever you would like."

His leg jiggled, fingers tapping on his knee. He still hadn't looked at her directly.

"I almost died," he said abruptly, "on Vulcan. I almost died. I was falling. I tried to slow myself, but… but the ground kept getting closer and closer. Then Kirk jumped after me and his 'chute broke and… he almost died because of me, because I was falling… because I made him jump after me to save me."

"Oh, believe me, you didn't make Jim Kirk do anything he didn't want to do," she explained, "If he died jumping after you to save you, it wouldn't have been anyone's fault but his… and Nero's I suppose, for knocking you off the platform."

The small jibe did not cheer Sulu up any. Freddey sighed.

"There's something else."

"What?"

"There's something else bothering you besides you and Jim almost dying. I know it. Please, if you'll just tell me what it is-"

"You wouldn't understand," he muttered in an interruption.

"I understand a little more than people think," she replied, "Try me."

Sulu's eyes darted all over the room, anywhere but Freddey's face. He wet his lips nervously. Freddey waited. Secrets were important to wait for. His leg stilled, but he returned to wringing his hands. She wanted to rest her hand on his, if only to make him stop fidgeting for a moment.

"I just…" he said at long last, "I don't know why… I just don't know why I'm still alive."

"That sounds like it goes deeper than the Battle of Vulcan."

It was not a supposition.

"When I was a kid… umm, well… I was eleven, and-…"

His voice broke off, his eyes wet. Freddey truly felt for him.

"Please, Hikaru, tell me about it. I'm not here to report on you or make you feel bad. I'm only here to help you. Like I said before, I understand more than people think."

Sulu's words came out in a rush Freddey just barely understood, "When I eleven I survived Ganjitsu," and it took her another moment to comprehend it.

The massacre on the Ganjitsu colony was almost as well known as Tarsus IV. Ganjitsu had been a fairly young colony at the time of the attack in 2248, one full of beings from across the Federation. It was hailed as one of the most prosperous and successful colonies in only the first three years of its existence, much like Tarsus IV. In 2248, it all came crashing down when the Klingon Empire attacked. The Klingons sought to take the colony for themselves due to the rich natural resources discovered by the colonists. When they were met with resistence, they went on their customary rampage, slaughtering colonists without regard to age, gender, or species. Of the ten thousand colonists, over two thousand were killed and thousands more wounded. The physical size of the colony prevented more casualties, but reports of Klingon atrocities spread through the Federation like wildfire in dry brush. People were shocked and upset, though the media coverage was nowhere near the level of Tarsus IV.

Freddey's heart broke for Sulu. She reached out and rested her hand on his. He took hold of her hand, gripping tightly, as if she would disappear… or perhaps he felt that _he_ might have floated away and so clung to her like an anchor. Freddey was acquainted with the feeling.

"It can be hard," she told him gently, "to know you survived a great tragedy when lots of others didn't. Believe me, I know it. To survive something like that twice, well…"

"On Ganjitsu, we lived in the main square," he explained quietly, "My parents worked in communication, and the headquarters were right in town, so that's where we lived, me and my parents and my sister. We moved to Ganjitsu not long after Tarsus IV was uncovered. The move was already planned before then, so we went anyway, even though my dad was really nervous about it. My mom was still excited.

"Two years later, everything was pretty great. I made good friends and all that. Then… then the Klingons attacked. Most of the people that died lived in that main part of town, like we did. We could… we could hear the screaming, the crying, the shouting… Our parents took us into the basement of our house. I guess the Klingons thought the house was empty, so they ransacked the place and left. I still don't know how long we stayed in the basement, but when we came back up, it was awful, like a nightmare. There were bodies in the streets and people screaming. People lost parents, kids siblings… and my family was intact. We weren't even hurt.

"Now… I had to just stand by, mostly uninjured, while all of Vulcan was destroyed. The Vulcans that were rescued and Mr. Spock… it was like that all over again… only worse."

Sulu clutched Freddey's hand tighter, his brown eyes wet with tears, his voice thick.

"I think we all feel that way in regards to Vulcan," Freddey replied, "and I think it's alright that we feel like that. These aren't things that happen every day. We're entitled to feel these sorts of emotions when such events occur."

Freddey thought very carefully before adding, "And… and I know that from experience because… because I was on Tarsus IV. I survived Tarsus IV just the way you survived Ganjitsu, and you're only the third person I've ever told that."

Sulu's eyebrows shot up, and his grip actually loosened on her hand.

"How did you deal with that?" he asked, "I woulda went nuts…"

"I did for a little bit… but I learned to put it behind me, put it in the past. Now, the past'll always crop up every now and again to remind it happened, but you just tell yourself it's in the past and leave it there."

"But… but why me? Why am I alive when so many other people have died?"

"I can't answer that. I can only tell you what helped me when I felt like that."

"Tell me. Please."

"See… see, I believe that everyone serves a purpose in their life, no matter how seemingly insignificant. Everyone matters to someone. Their life is always of value to someone, in some capacity, even if it's not immediately apparent. Y'know I heard you did a lot of good up there on the bridge, saved a lot of lives. I think you're right where you need to be, where you should be. Now, of course, that's just what I believe. Whether or not it helps is another matter."

"No… no, it really does help," Sulu told her, his eyes still wet, his hand still clutching hers, "I just… How do I convince myself of that?"

"Oh, just look around."

His brow furrowed this time.

"Just look all around. You're a pilot. You're in charge of getting us from place to place safely. I think you're right need to be to serve your purpose," Freddey said calmly, "and if you don't believe me, well, just ask anyone, like Pike or Jim or Spock or Chekov. I mean, they know you better than I do, and you may believe them more than me. It _is_ my job to make people feel better, after all, not theirs."

He laughed a bit at that, wiping at his eyes with his free hand, and responding, "Thanks, LT Mulcahy."

"Please, call me Freddey, Hikaru."

"Thank you, Freddey."

"You're very welcome. Now, why don't you go and get some rest. You look like you deserve it."

Sulu smiled and gave her hand a final squeeze before leaving her office. Several other conversations occupied her day, dealing with everything from homesickness to a dead fiancée that had been on another ship. She was kept very busy until her growling stomach forced her to take a break and head to the mess for dinner. Freddey was about halfway through her hamburger and fries (the classics can't be beat) when someone stopped at her table. She would have said something polite if her mouth weren't full of burger.

"May I join ye, lass?" the newcomer asked.

Freddey still had a mouth full of food, though she did look up. It was the Scottish engineer from a week ago, holding a tray from the replicator. Freddey nodded, covering her mouth as she chewed her food. He thanked her politely and sat down, biting into his club sandwich with gusto. She could see dirt and grease crusted under his nails, just like the friend she had in South Jersey whose father was a mechanic. She finally swallowed her mouthful of food, she said, "You musta been just as busy as me lately. You're tearing up that sandwich pretty good."

"Aye, lass, I have. Kirk actually found me nappin' in a Jeffries tube once or twice. He got me some quarters the first time," he explained around bites of turkey club, "but I do like to be near my engines like that."

"I know what you mean. Len, I mean Dr. McCoy, and I are the same way, preferring to have our quarters near our offices. Though I think it's more important for him than me… you too. You keep the ship running after all. Jim was talking to me yesterday, and he said you saved our skins in a big way."

His cheeks flushed bright red, and he stammered out, "Well-well, I dunno about that. I was o-only-… I mean, he gave the orders-"

"But it was your idea, I bet, to shoot out the warp core like that," she offered, watching the color deepen.

The engineer (Scotty, she recalled) chose not to reply, instead shoving more sandwich into his mouth and chewing furiously. Freddey smirked, biting into her burger again. That strange flutter was back in her chest. She made a note to tell Kahliya about it later.

The two of them ate together for a while in a companionable, if slightly awkward, silence. As soon as she'd finished her burger, her comm beeped at her, alerting her to someone wishing to speak with her at her office.

"Well," she sighed, "duty calls. I'll see ya around, Scotty."

"Aye… aye, see ye later, lass."

She was quite sure she imagined the look of disappointment in the Scotsman's face as she left. Why should he be disappointed to see her leave? They barely knew each other, never really had any interaction. Freddey had only just met him a week ago for maybe five minutes.

_No_, she concluded, leaving the turbolift, _I'm just being silly. All the excitement and lack of sleep are getting to me, making me imagine things. I'll be right as rain with some more sleep._

She decided to keep the flutter in her chest to herself for now.

_Failure and success seem to have been allotted to men by their stars. _

_But they retain the power of wriggling, _

_of fighting with their star or against it, _

_and in the whole universe the only really interesting movement is this wriggle._

_~E.M. Forester_


End file.
